I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
