um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
