God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
