I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
how drunk are you?
Several
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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