I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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