you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
