no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out