Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
