How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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