He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
