I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
