I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize