After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
