Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
