Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
