the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
