Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
