please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
