I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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