Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
