I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
