i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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