I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
