Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
