She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
