I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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