you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
