So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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