dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
