I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
