The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
