I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
