She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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