I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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