I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
