Non-Jews are for practice
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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