Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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