i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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