It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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