Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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