he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
