I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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