I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
