I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
