Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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