Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
