when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
