Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
