I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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