Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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