I'm really into asian looking animals
Four minutes until I can fart!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
