sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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