Where are you?
In a non slutty way
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm always down for nudity.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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