You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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