I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
