i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hippo gnu deer
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
