Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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