you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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