so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
