all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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