I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
