Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
